There are a few things on my mind this morning as I sit down to write my column for this week that range from heavy topics, like our flawed two-party political disaster, to having no idea how to dress my age, to the archfiend time-suck that is HGTV.
Obviously, I’m going to write about HGTV. There is definitely some kind of personality warp I have when it comes to HGTV. My mantra as a human: Do not judge others for their different ways of life, opinions, lack or excess of wealth, etc. My mantra as an HGTV viewer: None of that applies, you are awful and I hate you.
I’ll start with the worst offender, arguably House Hunters, which can split into two categories.
1. Obnoxiously entitled, with no concept that their starter home isn’t likely to look like it belongs in this month’s publication of House Beautiful. “This is my first home so I want it to be perfect. I know we are newlyweds and barely out of college but I need four bedrooms, three-and-a-half bathrooms, a walk-in closet (I don’t know where my husband will put his clothes! Ha ha ha, we are so cute!), a large lot, view of the ocean/mountains/city, three car garage, an open kitchen because we like to entertain, a theater room, and hand-scraped, Brazilian hardwood floors harvested by first generation rainforest nymphs. Oh and p.s., if it doesn’t have granite countertops I won’t even look at it and if it has carpet anywhere inside of it I will possibly murder you and your entire family. My budget is $120,000 and not a penny more.”
2. Obnoxiously rich with no concept that their load of cash can actually change stuff. “I like this house, but I don’t know what they were thinking with these paint colors and the vinyl flooring is a deal breaker.” (House listed at $1.5M, budget is $2M. Oh, I’m sorry you can’t find enough in your half-a-million-dollar excess of funds to buy paint.)
Next on my hit list, Tiny House Hunters. It’s like a more concentrated version of House Hunters, with people that manage to be even more picky and annoying. “I really just feel like I need to downsize and living in a tiny home will afford me the luxury of focusing on other things. Just make sure it has a kitchen with full-size appliances because we like to entertain, space for my king bed, four labrador retrievers, 5,000 gallon aquarium (I’m really into exotic fish!), a jetted tub, and space for my guests.”
Flip or Flop. Where do I even begin with this nonsense? Am I really supposed to believe that what’s-her-name shows up in her $700 workout clothes is really painting that wall? Really, HGTV? And at the end of every single episode they tell us they personally made a profit of $75,000 on this house but they are so “maxed out” on the next one they have to borrow $10,000 from her dad to make this next flip work? Maybe cut back on the LuLuLemon if you’re that destitute, sister.
There’s a new kid on the block that I haven’t quite wrapped my brain around yet: Island Hunters. We are watching people buy their own island now. Their own island! Just let that sink in.
Equally mind-blowing, is a show whose name escapes me at the moment, where we watch a couple decide which resort they want to spend a week (and about $20,000) at while they “unplug and relax”. HGTV, you’ve really gone too far this time. Hey, I have an idea, please do a show about how the rest of us unplug and relax. It usually happens when I drop my phone in the bathtub.
Before you suggest the obvious solution to my disdain, no, I will not stop watching! I can’t and I won’t! I will watch and complain about it like the good American I am. Godspeed, HGTV.