This morning, as I was drinking my coffee (reheated for the sixth time), I started looking around my living room and realized that so many of the things in my house have taken on new functions besides the ones they were designed for.

Ottoman: Originally purchased to sit in front of the couch as a cozy alternative to a coffee table, can double as extra seating and a nice place to put your feet up without worrying about putting your feet up on a coffee table, because we are very proper around here.

Ottoman in my house: Stuff holder. My stuff. Your stuff. His stuff. Their stuff. It literally just collects stuff. Stuff currently on my ottoman including but not limited to: partial soccer uniforms, partial board game, clothes hanger, manicure supplies, dog leash, folded laundry, not folded laundry, homework, crumbs, phone charger. No room for feet.

Couch: A nice place to lounge around.

Couch in my house: Laundry Room Part II. Also, stuff holder when the ottoman gets full. Beneath the cushions is also where I store all of my hair accessories, pencils, spare change, Lego pieces, and missing socks.

Kitchen drawers: An organized method to store all of your kitchen needs and household supplies.

Kitchen drawers in my house: Place where I put stuff I don’t want to throw away but also have no idea where it should go. It’s kind of like a museum of my life in there. If I ever need to participate in a time capsule, I’ll just empty the contents of my kitchen drawers in it. People thousands of years from now will know what kind of phone charger I used in 2007 and be mesmerized by my collection of unsharpened pencils, business cards, manuals, invitations, cards, coupons, mail, etc. Most people have one of these drawers. I have six. You can check stuff into the drawers any time you like, but it can never leave.

Dining room: What is the point of a dining room anyway? Supposedly it’s a nice place to gather family for holidays, where everyone can relax and eat on your grandma’s 80 year-old china, while you are most definitely not relaxed because everyone is touching your grandma’s 80 year-old china.

Dining room in my house: The breakables are under lock and key and the table is ground zero for whatever is going on at the moment. Right now my house is being renovated, so it’s a construction storage room. At Christmastime it’s wrapping and decoration central. Sometimes it’s a Lego village, sometimes it’s an office. One thing it is never, ever? A place where we dine.

Garage: A place in which cars are parked and tools are safely stored.

Garage at my house: Besides the thousands of bikes, scooters, skateboards, helmets, balls, rackets, bats, and clubs, the garage is a place where stuff goes to wait in limbo, wondering what fate it will see. Will it be thrown out? Will it be donated? Will it be sold? I don’t know, just put it in the garage and I’ll decide later.

Car: Vehicle to move you and your family from place to place.

My car: Vehicle to move half-empty water bottles all around town.

In writing this article I’ve come to the conclusion that a) I have too much stuff and b) I have totally run out of places to put said stuff and c) I need a professional organizer and d) six junk drawers in the kitchen is insane.

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